i want these boots >>

cabaret boots! with a little heel and harsh black button holes and thick laces and sexy shape.
obviously i am coveting a long black leg look. black legs for life.

the rock n' roll search for love continues.

cell phone photos

i feel like cell phone photos are going to be my new polaroids.

la hire.

last night me and kelly had an adventure. we have this lovely friendship where nothing ever gets accomplished as planned, but we have a great time walking all over the city. its actually the best.
so anyhow, we are walking last night in strathcona, its late, past one and the moon is dramatically leering over our heads. we are smoking kelly's hand rolled cigarette concoction [tobacco leaf/lavender/cat nip and thyme]. its epic.
all of a sudden and for no reason at all we come across a scattered deck of cards. of course i cant see the whole deck because i am fixed on the jack of hearts. its in my hand, i am all over it. it is actually not until kelly points out that there is a whole deck that i notice a nine of hearts or an eight of diamonds, it doesnt matter the jack is in my bag.

i am collecting playing cards for my friend jill. she is back in toronto and we are trying to send each other a whole [found] deck. it is part of our correspondence. but i am transfixed on my singularity. what is the significance of my card? [who cares right/but i am superstitious and i cant help it] my sister sarah is always telling me that i read to far into things and that i am connecting scenarios that are unrelated in my constant search for understanding, which she sees as pointless all together.

so i ask google the grand master of information. wikipedia says that the jack was made in the image of Étienne de Vignolles, a french revolutionary general who that fought along side Joan of Arc, nick named La Hire. his name remains a byword for a choleric disposition. 'mirror, mirror on my desk tell me more, choleric personality?' and there it is. i am swimming in a world of my own strengths and weaknesses. choleric's [not a word?] are passionate, easily angered, dominating, terminally optimistic, extroverted, doer, COMPULSIVE NEED FOR CHANGE [!] independent and an insufferable know it all. shit.

i was worried the jack was a symbol for my passionate charge into romantic scenarios, instead it paints this picture of me as a general trampling my way to the things i want. no need for friendships? terminally independent? can this be me, but so much of it fits [compulsive need for change] i am swimming with thought. i am jacks crazy pituitary gland ransacking my apartment for answers in all my other belongings. i dont have to look very far, i am reading lermontrov's 'a hero of our time'. see also romanic hero, byronic hero, romanticism and tragic hero. another general. a lone dude who fights, loves and who's self destruction stems from boredom. he dies tragically because his life is a joke for melodrama and skirt chasing.

maybe i dont chase skirts [dirty long hair boys] but i certainly understand his point of view. "I'll hazard my life, even my honor, twenty times, but I will not sell my freedom. Why do I value it so much? What am I preparing myself for? What do I expect from the future? in fact, nothing at all." brilliant. i mean, i am not a prince, a warrior, wealthy, powerful, but in my own way and in my own life i am these things in my optimistic exploration of nothing. see also self indulgent to the extreme. i jump in to find redemption only to learn i can already swim and the water is to temperate for me. so on to the next adventure that will save my soul, answer my questions and leave me happy.

" What is happiness but gratified pride?" marry me pechorin. lets ransack the country side for a life time of fun and romance and drama, i will lead you by the nose and you will keep me in line [with a stiff upper hand] every-time i act bad. we will have a russian palace made from our dreams on the side of a leering cliff, hinting always at the danger we will daily tempt. dear pechorin i am ready, lets cross paths, lets make history, lets die for no good reason, lets hate everything to avoid responsibility. lets do this, jack of hearts first.

girl goes through photography faze.

beth cavener stitcher.

beth makes sculptures.
see more >>

lets take a moment for britney.

2010. year of dreams.

last night was new years eve. YES.

i just turned on some girl talk. it seemed like the right kind of music for my year in review, lets take the best part of the worst year and make some semblance of it. lets not. i am carrie bradshaw driving away from matthew mcconahey and her movie review of relationships past. YES. but what is the point of recording the years pass, if not to take a time period into review? [uncomfortable sentence]

but lets talk future, lets talk resolutions, lets talk about the projected energy for this new decade. i am turning off girl talk.
and the fist record i put on is sounds in space, soothing light orchestral music. this year i am balance, i am temperance and i am working it out with lelaina peirce. we are moments away from selling fruit at intersections, but still hopeful and idealistic. does this mean my year comes with troy dyer drama? YES.[reality bites: pop metaphor for this year?]

sounds in space is too mellow, i have just up-graded to the billy vaughn singers 'up, up and away' we go, this shift in tempo is significant. 'we can fly!' they shout. better. i guess it is just going to have to be another year in my life. maybe i am the same. maybe i will always be the same and as much as i say i want to make 'the right' decisions, i will always follow my heart and my every little whim. I guess what i am asking from 2010 is for the right whims to be followed. [following the right whims? say whim again]

dear 2009, i asked for more and you delivered, i asked for adventure in the great wide somewhere, and it happened. but enough of that, this year can i have the power to recognize the right thing and then do it? dear 2010 if it is not too much to ask can i find home? can all these things i never saw as options become real? i got rhythm, i got music, i got dancing, who could ask for anything more. [sunshine on a rainy day?]

girl pulls up tights. M.A.B.

i found this video hidden away on my hard drive. it is tilted, filmed from a cell phone and contains the most incriminating atmospheric music, but it is a slice of 5 years ago! 2005 is all over your jock.