last night no one was home. 4 non-blonds was on. whats going on?
i am screaming at the top of my lungs. nothing inspires me more then a good challenge, an adversary, a bench mark, a square off between two evenly suited people. i live most of my life 'competing' with someone in the attempt to be better for myself. maybe this is more of my 'chloric' / romantic charge into solving all perceived problems. maybe it is just my 'oldest sibling' complex. challenge, rise, defeat.
right now i am obsessed with my letters. i have been getting up at 7 am so i can be out the door at 7.45 and on my bike touring the city. [p.s. i love my beronika .. best present ever] this gives me one hour to shoot my phrase and then get to work for 10 am. i have lost my little mind. i cant eat, i cant sleep, im up at dawn and i am productive all the time. this makes me happy. but also scared. i have gone through really productive periods before, but nothing like this. i think for the first time in my life i actually feel like a living, breathing, working artist.
the scary thing is how calm it has all made me. i just dont think i am used to seeing myself as 'productive' or 'heading in the right direction'. but i feel good. and now all my angsty writing just isnt happening. my tone has changed. i mean i am still sarcastic and difficult and destructively hopeful, i just have nothing to be pissed off about. or nothing so far out of reach i feel helpless. is this whole blog post a jinx? is my proclamation of satisfaction nothing more then a good days emotional high?
keiran says if mc jagger 'cant get no satisfaction' then no body can. did i just one up mc jagger. not really, i mean for a womanizing rock star mc jagger is a legend. how do i think he achieve this? through the illusion of challenge. this man over satisfied himself until he bleed pregnant brazilian beauty queens. thats what i want. or rather thats where i want to go. i want to go to the land of total satisfaction, not in the creepy mars bar way, but in the totally sylvana, ideal scenario. and i think i have a pretty good handle on it. i mean this is my 'satisfaction' song. this is my claim to happiness and even in this i cant be totally sure it is 'real' or 'here'. i have been wrong about things before.
i used to pray everyday for a cause to fight against. as if i haven't always been my most satisfying adversary. as if my point of view was not good enough. finding your way is a gem that has let me step into my own life. i should write more. i should draw more. i should do whatever i feel like, because i know that even if i still 'want' things i am happy. and that is all i have ever wanted.
