last night i had the most compelling dream. i was standing on the banks of a vast and rushing river, a dramatic and leering gray sky puffed all around me creating the most wonderful looming scenario. i turn my head to the left and then realize that moses and joshua are right beside me. i quickly access my bible knowledge. moses and joshua + river = jordan river. and thats when i notice the huge tower. the wall. this is the battle for jericho. i have been trying to tear this wall down my whole life. this is not a metaphor. [well kind of] i have had this same dream since i was 11 years old. it is vivid and it has always confused me. [cross the river sylvana tear down the wall. i cant see what exactly i have been confused about] so the dream continues. i look from moses to joshua with the vague knowledge that god is about to narrow the river so we can all get across with ease. and the river shrinks in one dramatic leer taking with it the tower, the wall, the whole city. me, moses and joshua are now standing on the tiny dirt banks of a garden variety stream. we cross the river in one confident leap. on the other side i am in a meadow. [for real, my brain cant even come up with a better symbol for tranquility then a meadow] this meadow is not "perfect" there are clouds in the sky and the ground shows some wear. [although i am pretty sure that is just the path] but the grass is long and soft, yellow, standing out against the sharp blue sky that hangs over the next rolling hill. the most wonderful purple flowers grow all over. i really like being here. and thats when the dream ends. or i cant remember what happens or thats all that happens. either way its over, my dream. and i am left with the perfect vision of a river somewhere in israel.
rumor says that the REM song 'losing my religion' is really about flirting and i can kind of see why. my faith has always been in love and the whole idea of 'flirting' kind of makes me lose faith. i mean i dont flirt. i hate things and then somehow end up with what i dis-like, a sick attraction to the thing i am 'so above'.[currently i am so 'above' guys who paint for a living and russian poets] i am not sure how i think people should 'pick up' each other, but for some reason i always limit myself to people i already know. it doesnt really matter. i have spent a bunch of time trying to force things to happen. i dont mean just by working hard, instead i mean blindly running no where with nothing in mind and doing it all really, really fast. the nothing. nowhere. as fast as i could.
this morning i am at the laundromats. my building is infested with bed bugs. life's little reminder that even though things are going good i am still going to have to wash and dry everything i own, take it to a safe location, throw out the few pieces of furniture i have managed to acquire and then move out in 2 days. so anyhow, i am working this scenario out at the laundromats, the one good thing about my little vampire friends is the time they have forced me to take away from my work, my freinds and my day off list of things to be accomplished. i have folded my self into a chair awaiting the end of dryer spin cycle 25 and have nothing better to do then figure out how this latest little dream fits into my bigger picture. [the one im not living in] and thats when i understand the dream. its not about 'working' towards something. its about 'doing' whatever i want. i can have what ever i like.
i have been afraid to give myself this kind of 'life decision' power for so many reasons. in fact the most blinding reason is the first time i had this 'privilege' i choose to exit reality and dance on stage spinning fire. [again, not a metaphor] the back lash of a couple years spent wandering was enough to scare me into submission. however. the lady doth protest. i dont need to be taught [i do] i just need to be challenged [by myself]. i am good enough and once i came to understand this i realized there is nothing to fear. because once i understand something i can fit it into its box and forget it all together. it is part of my learning experience. and if michael stipe can find faith again i best put my hopes in something real. something i believe in. have i admitted, again the only thing capable of bringing me to my knees is this search for another. o no, i have said to much and i am setting myself up because i thought i heard you laughing. and i wanted that to be real.
