darling

it has this strange hold over me
religion
love
emotion
standing back from it, my mind is always made up
i will do the right thing -
then it comes together, this wish
this hope that somehow the right thing will feel as good as destruction

she is interesting to watch because she is fearless
she is dark and reckless
because,
that is the only way to satisfy the nothing
the feeling that everything is going to stay the same forever
that nothing will ever be interesting or free ever again
it will all be vulnerable
it will smell like nothing

the pain started in my side
it throbbed like a little stone, swollen
tender
it broke my heart next, as it moved through me
as it crawled into my veins

but i cant see straight
blood is in my eyes
old blood
thick, warm
flowing down my eye, i can feel it on the surface
like the only real sensation i have ever felt
again
as it was - the last time
the only time that matters
the only experience i seem to care about