Last night I created the game ‘ultimate duo and song’. For example, Bonnie Tyler and Cher would collaborate on the 1968 song ‘total eclipse of Bono’ and it would be a sad pop lament about the end of the flower child era and the cold 80s eventuality. I just re-read Chuck Klosterman’s epic coming of age manifesto ‘Sex, drugs and cocoa puffs’. When I open the book out falls a notice of late payment for a trespassing ticket my Xboyfriend got in London, Ontario and never paid on time in 2008. This basically sets the tone for my read. Nostalgia is everywhere. I hear ‘Death Cab for Cutie’ front man, Ben Gibbord sing ‘now that it is gone, its like it never was before’ which strangely was the anthem for another heart breaking situation. Same POP sensation, different love affaire. I love you Chuck Klosterman for connecting the dots.
Later that night me and Klosterman discuss all the failures and broken promises of my past, and for the first time I don’t blame myself, he has convinced me John Cussak has ruined my life. I love ‘Say Anything’, ‘In Your Eyes’ by Peter Gabriel is still one of my favorite songs of all time and if Lloyd stood outside my window with his boom box and dirty/angry boy snarl, blaring a song about the way I complete him, I would swoon into his arms no matter how un-suited for me he is.
No boy I have ever dated stood a chance.
Last week I find myself texting a friend at 4am after throwing a fit and blowing out of the party he nicely brought me to; because I was bored.
I say:
I am a difficult lady .. I am the un-pleaseable woman .. I am going home to smoke a joint and watch ‘Alien Nation’
His response:
I would expect no less from my little tortured artist.
We have known each other for 3 weeks, but he knows me, he has met my ‘type’ before. I can behave badly and then claim I am just that tortured art girl. I drank too much, this move is over whelming, my heart was broken 6 months ago. I will find any excuse to throw a tantrum when I am bored.
Klosterman’s search for a mate has been ruined by these cultural stereotypical personality robots (me), but John Lennon has ruined mine. Twice I have believed that a doomed relationship would ‘work out in the end’ because all we had was love. Fuck you Axl Rose. It is strange that my rage is directed at Axl, I am the Axl character in my Guns n’ Roses scenario. I’m not mad at Slash. I AM difficult and un-reasonable and impossible to please and I act really, really bad when I am drunk. I am not mad Slash left and started his own (shitty) band, (Scott Wieland is a fag) cleaned up his act (yeah, right) and now appears on reality television (last grasp). I am mad that for the last 10 years I have believed I can do whatever I want and it will all work out because ‘all I need is love’.
Wait. I knew how this was going to end. Why do I have hair plugs? Can’t remember the words to my songs? Where have all the Stephanie Seymores gone? My late 20s crash and burn was my ‘Appetite for Destruction’. Now I take solace in the fact that everyone has tried to date their best friend in College, I am the Ally Sheedy/Saturday lunch detention/dirty/lone/complex character and ‘Empire’ IS the best Star Wars movie; but I didn’t always feel this way. I have been a different version of the same character as long as I have been aware of my self-image.
Chloe Savingny in ‘Kids’ (18-21 / 1999 - 2003)
Claire from ‘Six Feet Under’ (21-24 / 2003 - 2006)
Ms Penny Lane (25, 26, 27 / 2007, 2008, 2009)
I was actually supposed to go to Morocco.
Chuck has connected all the events of my adolescent with the simple fact that all of my experiences felt so real because I have been watching these situations for years. Jerry and Elaine WERE secretly in love with each other, Ross and Rachel took years to get back together and Brian Austin Green finally nailed Donna Martin. I have been waiting my whole life, ‘how soon is now?’
This is where Jesus comes in.
I used to baby sit these kids from a troubled home. Facebook brought us together last year, but we never spoke until now. Natasha says she has found Jesus, he loves me and her and my sisters and my mom and her mom and all of us. All her college, whoring travesties are forgiven, he will forgive mine too. Sorry sweets, I didn’t whore it up in College. I dated my nice boy best friend. Jesus cant swoop in at the 11th hour and save my soul, my soul has never been in jeopardy. Jesus wants us to spend our life trying to become clean. I was born clean, and for the most part of my life the only thing I have been certain of is:
I am a good person and I want happiness, I just don’t know what to do.
Jesus is not the quick fix to my adult problems or my past mistakes. Klosterman has become the prophet of my ‘never want to grow up’ generation, he has given me the luxury of time and eventuality. This is the sentiment I want to believe, and just like Jesus’ message there is a choice. I just choose to manifest my own reality, instead of living in a world of eternal struggle. I have found my personality robot and this calm has come over me. One day, when I am in the wrong place at the right time, all alone, I am going to meet the most un-suspecting group of people. There will be a female pal/enemy, bad boy/loser, best friend/geek and my very own unlikely love match. So the best thing for me to do is to sit back, enjoy season 3 of ‘Mad Men’ and work on my best Ms Drapper routine.
